16 Astute Quotations by Michelle Bachmann

Michelle BachmannMy apologies for this, a blatantly political post. Those of you who love Michelle Bachmann, read no further! Instead go here.

Disappointment sweeps the nation!

It is with deep regret we note that Michelle Bachmann will likely not run for president in 2016. Oh the woe. First we lost Glenn Beck, then Sarah “Caribou Barbie” Palin, now Ms. Bachmann is being persecuted by the Office of Congressional Ethics.

Ethics? Who needs ’em? We want our Comic Relief!

Rep. Michele Bachmann’s (R-MN) campaign for president is over nearly before it started. There are (probably false) accusations from disgruntled staffers but that’s not the real bad news, Bachmann has found herself at the center of an investigation by the OCE, the same entity whose investigation eventually led to the censure of Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY).

The accusation? Misuse of campaign funds.

The drawback to this most unfortunate situation, is the reduction in number (if not outright elimination) of earthy, from-the-heart, absurd Michelle Bachmann quotes.

I compiled a list of a few, but in keeping with my promise to keep my posts brief, I had to limit the number to 16. And it was not easy to decide which were the most ludicrous.

“I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence,” speaking on the Swine Flu outbreak in 2009.

Yes, Ms. Bachmann that’s what it is. A coincidence. Please. Presidents who control Swine Flu? Or wait, that would be God punishing us with Swine Flu because we were dumb enough to elect a Democrat.

“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design,” at a 2006 debate in St. Cloud, Minnesota.

Could you be more specific? Maybe give us just one name?

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas,” on the House floor in April, 2009.

Ah, you know what they say about too much of a good thing, Michelle!

“And what a bizarre time we’re in, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.”

No, that’s not exactly what the judge will say. But you interpret the law any way you want. You’ve been doing that all along anyway.

“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”

Ms. Bachman was off in her heterosexual dreamland the day slavery was discussed in American History.

“It is a brand new, billion-dollar high speed train that is going to go from Disneyland up to Las Vegas…Harry Reid, the Senator from Nevada, was behind this measure, and it makes us wonder, is he more interested in making sure kids start gambling at younger ages?”

Uh … I am struck dumb by this one. Not difficult to do in my case, but struck dumb nevertheless. Let’s always bring up kids. It’s a sure way to generate a little legitimate outrage.

”Does that mean that someone’s 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.”

Right. And not only that, there’s lots of time before the school bus leaves to maybe, share a vial of crack with friends.

”Not all cultures are equal.”

That’s for sure. Some cultures actually do things that are right, and good, for their populations.

”[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.”

So since it’s been done once, no need to do it again.

“I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I’m not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I’m not a scientist.”

No, you aren’t a deep thinker, that much is evident. So why do keep foisting your opinions on people who think even less deeply than you do?

“The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. It’s all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax.”

Says the non-deep-thinker.

“Lady Liberty and Sarah Palin are lit by the same torch.”

I rest my case.

”If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”

Just so your kids don’t have to do any of the jobs at the whatever level. Right?

”This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.”

Oh. But it did. And it has. But feel free to slit your wrists. You, as a Congresswoman have health insurance that will cover your ER costs. Not so much those you are asking to join in the wrist-slitting fun.

Her latest sound-bite-producing comment, this time on ObamaCare,

“Let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”

Ms. Bachmann evidently believes that guns don’t kill people, health care kills people.

Last year, Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota said she wanted “people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax” and cited the oft-repeated Jefferson line that “a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing.”

(Jefferson later changed his mind on this. He wrote in a letter to a Dutch diplomat: “Happy for us, that when we find our constitutions defective and insufficient to secure the happiness of our people, we can assemble with all the coolness of philosophers and set it to rights, while every other nation on earth must have recourse to arms to amend or to restore their constitutions.”)

However, Ms. Bachmann neglected to mention that part.

Michelle, we’re gonna miss ya’.

Photo credit: swanksalot / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Obamacare Made Us Do It!

What!!? No more Twinkies?

Hostess Brands recently announced its intention to go into bankruptcy, lay off over 18,000 workers and liquidate assets. The management/union disagreements focused on reducing workers’ benefits and salary cuts. The CEO got his pay tripled, but the rest of the worker bees doing the baking and packaging and distributing of the delectable little goodies were supposed to suck it up and settle for less. Among those reduced benefits is health insurance. But the union objected to this plan and now Hostess is one of those whining companies “Obamacare made us do it!!”

I guess it’s not unreasonable to assume that a company which makes its profit by delivering shit to kids and adults with Ding Dong addictions wouldn’t really be too concerned about healthy eating, let along health care for its employees.

And after all, those employees probably got a lot better perks than health insurance, like access to the Twinkie rejects and good deals on the merchandise. They should be willing to trade snack cakes for health care. It’s only fair, right?

But, really? No more Hostess Products? No more tasty cupcakes, no more gooey, spongy, chemical-laden “snack cakes”? No more Wonder bread? Whatever is to become of us? Oh wait. We stopped eating that garbage decades ago. That’s right. Now I remember, when companies had to start labeling their products with the actual crap that was in them. In addition to the usual: high fructose corn syrup, glucose, dextrose, palm oil, sweet dairy whey and cellulose gum, there are more mysterious ingredients to be noted. Stuff like ferrous sulfate, sodium caseinate, mono and diglycerides, stearoyllactylate, sodium caseinate, agar and a few things to “retain freshness”. Oh yeah, Hostess products have a 25-day shelf life.

Pretend you made some chocolate cupcakes. Pretend you injected them with white sticky goo and wrapped them in plastic and sat them on your counter for 25 days. Do you think you’d be wanting to chomp into one on that last day? Then think of what has to go into Hostess cupcakes to keep them from getting the way yours now look after a 3 1/2 week sabbatical.

This would be their cupcake:

Photo credit: Newbirth35 / Foter / CC BY-NC

This would be your cupcake:

fungal flouce

Photo by Psybeartist

I once worked in a small town in Ohio. Kind of an everyman’s kind of town, and I’d stop in at a tiny grocery two or three times a week in the morning to get a coffee to go and a newspaper. Invariably, I’d see high school kids in there, before school, buying cigarettes, Mountain Dew and Hostess snacks. Talk about a three-way burner! Holy headspin! We’re talkin’ some major uppers here, enough to get those kids through until third period at least.

You may think, but kids can’t buy cigarettes. Well, in this place they could, because the guy behind the counter taking in the small change was related in some way to all of them. It was that kind of town, where The Extreme Tractor Pull and The September Gopher Shoot were the two major social events of the year.

I’m trying real hard not to put a label on the types of people who would buy Hostess stuff, but it is difficult not to do that. Usually, it’s people who live for today, the hell with tomorrow, if I want to eat stuff that in no way resembles real food, then I should be able to do that. So don’t take away my Dolly Madison Cakes. And I’ll have a 20-ounce Dew and a pack of Marlboros with them.

Thankfully, this segment of the population seems to be in decline as people become more and more concerned with health issues and what kinds of foods they eat. Consumers now want organic-grown vegetables and meat that hasn’t been injected with growth hormones and antibiotics. A lot of us now really care what we are putting into our bodies. To a person, we are rejecting Hostess stuff.

So finally  Hostess reluctantly admitted that well, yes, there has been a downturn in recent years, a somewhat diminished demand for their products.

You think?

It’s getting very tiring listening to these junk food places blathering on about Obamacare. It hasn’t even happened yet. To my knowledge, 2014 is the first year anyone has to do anything about it. So why all the bitching about it now?

Maybe because, you weren’t on the winning side in this latest election? Maybe because you want to get out there and let everyone know, “Well, it’s your fault, you 51% of Americans for voting for him. It’s all his fault we have to lay off people and close down our good factories.” Bullshit.

It’s your own fault, Hostess, for committing to products that no one wants anymore. You’ve mismanaged your company for years. You’re in debt you can’t get out of. This is just a good excuse to get political and obfuscate the real reasons for your failure.

Yeah, yeah, we all know how Denny’s Grand Slam is going to go up by 49 cents and Papa John’s Pizza will cost more in order to pay for Obamacare. Sniff, sniff. Get over yourselves. It won’t work. It would be a dark day I’d dine in Denny’s. (How’s that for alliteration?). One doesn’t “dine” in Denny’s, one scarfs.

And I like pizza as well as the next person, but Papa John, think I’ll be passin’ on you.

Get a life. You lost.

So, Hostess, while it is so much more convenient to complain about Obamacare and blame the death of your company on labor unions, it was going down anyway.