Marketing Woes and Roasting Turkeys

What a trying time it has been around here. I went back yet again (I must have read this post twenty times) to Peggy Strack’s blog post about new authors paying for reviews. Ms. Strack decided to do it, so I looked into the links she provided. Before I could decide whether I would approach anyone for a review, I visited their websites, clicked on links to authors, links to books, links to blogs, trying to decide if it could be a match. Often I ended up not knowing how I landed on a particular site, completely confused and at a dead end, realizing that I had accomplished very little, if anything.

And was I sure I really wanted to do it anyway? Here was my thought process:

After much consternation (a feeling of anxiety, fear, dread or confusion), I decided to go for it. But which reviewer should I pick? After comparing, I came to the following conclusion. Readers Favorite will do free reviews, and only if you wish to have it expedited (one to two weeks) will they charge $59 for it. I am still uncertain as to how I feel about paying for reviews, unless the reviewer has a reputation for writing them honestly, whether they have been purchased or not. A paid-for “guaranteed 5-star review” isn’t an honest review, not to me as the author who genuinely wants to know what those “in the business” might think of my work, or to readers. I want to pick reviewers who will give me a negative review if my book deserves it. Readers Favorite will post 3, 4 or 5-star reviews on their site, but less than that warrants an email with constructive criticism.

I got the expedited review, though, because I was very curious and hope doing that did not influence the reviewer. It received a 5 star review! You may not be surprised to hear this because you, oh wise readers, know that I wouldn’t be telling you I got the review at all if it hadn’t turned out well. You can read it here.

5 Star Reviews Kick Ass!

I think I may now go for a Publishers Weekly review. This won’t be as immediately gratifying because they select the books they will review and typically only 25% of submissions make the cut. The reviews they do are done quarterly and will be published next in December. They do charge for it but is that countered by the fact that they discard 75% of submissions anyway? The fee is refunded in those cases. So it might not even get a review, and if it does, the opinion could be: This book sucks, but not as much as the ones we didn’t even deign to review at all. In order to gauge whether my book might have a shot, I looked at some of the books they had reviewed in my (sort of) genre.

To indicate that they found a novel particularly good, they star (*) it (just star / no star). I wondered if mine could compete with a starred book so I downloaded one: Jimmy Lagowski Saves the World. I read it and it’s good, very good. What an interesting concept, interrelated short stories but the more I read, the more I thought of it as a novel. It was well-written, and interesting and I enjoyed it very much. The only complaint I had was the amount of semicolons used. I am a firm believer in using this particular punctuation sparingly, and I became obsessed with noticing how many there were.

Based on the quality of this book (i.e. excellent), I haven’t quite made the decision as to whether to submit or not but am leaning toward it.

Photo Courtesy of Microsoft Clipart

I had a dream, one of those frustration things this morning, early. In the dream, I was roasting a turkey, actually two turkeys and I was in an unfamiliar kitchen and the work areas were all cluttered and I couldn’t find anything, including my wine glass. There were others in the kitchen, three people I think, but none of them would help me. In the next room there sat a midget man at a high table, the Turkey Help Desk. He told me to crush potato chips and press them into the turkey skin using an oreo cookie. Okay. This is the kind of crap I dream. I’m pretty sure potato chips would not be the way to go with this. But I did like the oreo cookie part, interesting. Wonder where that came from?

In the dream I went from task to task, in a circle of uncertainty. I need to do Task 1. Before I do Task 1, I should really do Task 2. Then I move to Task 2, and find I need to do Task 3 before I do Task 2. It’s been like that lately with marketing. Going around and around in the interweb (thanks to my new Roadrunner connection I am back in the 21st century), dashing here and there, and forgetting from whence I came.

I don’t do marketing well. It intimidates me. I want to do the right thing, but don’t always know what that is. I can’t seem to focus on it. Woe is me.

That’s why I dream crazy stuff about roasting turkeys.

 

New feature! News You Should Not Notice!

Spotted! Mila Kunis Without Makeup!

Photo courtesy of some papparazzi – so sue me!

Are we serious here? This is a news story? WTF (that’s “who”) gives a farthing of a shit about this? First of all, who is Mila Kunis? I didn’t even know. OH! She’s the Sexiest Woman Alive 2012! Every year we have a new Sexiest Woman? What happened to the Sexiest Woman 2011? Did she (shudder) gain six ounces or something?

And another OH! Mila is the “rumored” girlfriend of Ashton Kucher. Sorry, Ashton, but Charlie Sheen, you are not. And a rocket scientist you are not. And a nice person you are not. I remember that dalliance with the bimbo in the hotel room. You remember that? When you were married to Demi Moore and that girl tweeted about what y’all were doing? She gives new meaning to “dumb blonde”.

This is not news. No one should care about this. But the problem is, we do. We don’t care about what’s happening to our country. No. We care about what Mila Kunis looks like without makeup.

And you know what? She doesn’t look that good.

3D Man Photo courtesy of freedigitalprints.net

Laughing Lady on Porch Photo credit: abbyladybug / Foter / CC BY-NC

Three People You Shouldn’t Care About

Two of the three people you shouldn’t care about are named “Kardashian”. It took me a long time to figure out who these people are, and why they are famous, but it was one of those it-just-isn’t-interesting-enough-to-google things and so whenever I’d see the tabloid headlines in the grocery store, I’d wonder, who is that? But then it would be my turn to check out (I still don’t use self check-out if I have produce) and I’d forget about the Kardashians until the next time.

It appears that they might be reality show stars, and that’s the biggest reason I wouldn’t know who they are, because reality shows are as boring to me as watching ESPN at 2:00 AM.

It appears that Mother Kardashian is as twit-like as her daughters (who have names that start with the letter “K”) and has almost as much native intelligence, integrity, sophistication and class as they do. This is according to People We Don’t Give a Shit About Magazine, and I sure wish I could take credit for thinking that up, but it was first said by Andy Borowitz, who is a very funny guy, and if you don’t already, and if you are a leftie, and if you like humorous musings, check out the Borowitz Report and subscribe to it.

Back to the K people. Here is a picture of “Mom”:

Believe it or not, this makes a news story. “Mom” (Kris Kardashian Jenner) does “cringe-worthy antics” and dresses like a bimbo when clearly she’s too old to be a bimbo. She’s also too old to be a cougar. She’s just old. And check out her hot-pink skinny jeans, black leather jacket and the leopard print mules. She looks like she’s all dressed up for a Rick Santorum Rally.

According to the Daily Mail (whatever that is) “She is a garish attention-seeker. She dresses too young for her age.”

And get this. In “honor” of her son’s 25th birthday, she posted a picture of herself on the internet wearing nothing at all when she was pregnant with him. Hoo boy! Bet that’s something you’d like to see on your birthday. The real question: is this normal? I never thought of doing this, but dang, I couldn’t anyway because you know what? I don’t have such a picture because none was taken. Who does “Mom” think she is, Demi Moore?

 On to someone else we’ve read about in People We Can’t Remember Who the F%&k They Are Magazine (again credit goes to A. Borowitz, see above), Kim Kardashian has been flour-bombed! Apparently, at an event for her new fragrance True Repulsion, oh wait, that’s Reflection, a woman strolled casually onto the red carpet with a zip-locked baggie full of the white stuff and dumped it on our favorite Reality (if this is Reality give me Fantasy — please!) Star’s head.

Further investigation revealed that the assailant did this vile deed for the benefit of Kris Humphries, who is Kim’s ex. That would be the marriage which lasted for 72 days. Now, Kim is as committed as the next person, she gave it 72 days to not work out.

Here’s Kim with her Crown of Flour:

And finally, according to People We Can’t Believe We Ever Gave a F%&k About Magazine (this one I’m not sure of but I’m giving the credit to Andy), “Paris Hilton was spotted in Miami on Wednesday sporting a rather interesting-looking ensemble. Her summery dress was peculiar, to say the least! What do you think of Paris’ boho-style cover-up?”

Here’s “boho” Paris Hilton:

We’ve got wars and near-wars, and a housing crisis, and high unemployment, and a recession, and tornadoes, and global warming, and our nation is as divided as it has ever been into two very different mindsets which is causing stagnation in government, and soaring medical costs, and soaring fuel costs, and we are killing our planet but let’s all take a moment and take a long look at Paris Hilton’s peculiar “summery dress”. As if we’d give the tiniest of shits about Paris Hilton or her life or her clothes or her “career” or anything about her.

In other news, A Denver Broncos fan died on Monday, before he had to see his beloved team sign one of his least favorite players.

According to his obituary in the Columbia Daily Tribune, 78-year-old James “Jim” Driver, rather than see Peyton Manning don a Broncos jersey, decided to speed up his exit from this world. He opted out sooner rather than later.

Now this was a guy who is “surius about them Broncos”.

The above examples are the sort of “news” we could use less of.